Via AI, an Ancient Roman Historian’s Account of Trump II
If the Roman Emperor Caligula were alive today, you can bet that he would cheer the UFC fight on the South Lawn of the White House, which President Trump is hosting to mark his 80th birthday, and the nation’s 250th anniversary.
Caligula, who reigned from 37-41 AD, hosted lavish spectacles and games for his birthday and other occasions at Roman venues. According to the Roman historian Suetonius, author of “The Twelve Caesars,” these celebrations were notorious for their extravagance and cruelty, including instances where he forced senators to run alongside his chariot for miles or ordered spectators thrown into the arena.
There are many parallels between the twisted Caesar’s reign and the Trump administrations.
For some fast fun, I asked Gemini, Google’s AI assistant, to write an account of Trump’s second administration in the style of Suetonius, whose juicy history of Julius Caesar and the first eleven emperors of the Roman Empire is one of the only sources of Caligula’s horrid reign.
Here is the slightly hallucinatory result:
The Life of Donald the Second Ancestry and Early Omens
He was born of the lineage of the Trumps, a clan enriched by the building of great monuments and towers of glass. His father, Fred, had amassed vast wealth in the provinces of New York, which the son multiplied through daring spectacles and the renaming of structures after his own image.
Before his second elevation to the principate, many omens appeared. It is said that a leaden bullet grazed his very ear during an oration in the fields of Pennsylvania, yet he arose bloody and defiant, shouting to the crowds to fight. This escape was viewed by his followers as a sign of divine favor from Mars himself.
The Second Ascent to the Throne
Having once held the supreme power and lost it to the elder statesman Joseph of Delaware, Donald did not retire to quiet contemplation. Instead, he waged a relentless four-year campaign from his seaside villa at Mar-a-Lago, which resembled an imperial court.
In the Year of the Ballot, he routed the faction of the Democrats led by the priestess Kamala, securing not only the electoral college but the popular vote of the entire Republic.
His return to the capital was celebrated with grand spectacles, and the Senate was quickly filled with his most loyal tribunes.
The Purge of the Bureaucrats and the New Court
Upon re-entering the White House, his first decree was the systematic dismantling of the “Deep State,” which he likened to a hidden cabal of corrupt patricians.
- He stripped thousands of public servants of their protections, replacing them with fiercely loyal clients.
- He appointed Elon, a wealthy maker of celestial chariots, and Vivek, a young merchant, to oversee a new commission to hollow out the treasury’s waste.
- He banished traditional magistrates and elevated loyal praetorians to head the legions and the courts.
Habits, Vices, and Public Spectacles
In his personal conduct, Donald retained the eccentricities of his first reign, though hardened by age and past grievances.
He eschewed standard imperial dispatches, choosing instead to govern by electronic edicts broadcast at all hours of the night to millions of citizens.
- Diet: He disdained the refined banquets of the elite, preferring the charred flesh of cattle and the sparkling syrups of the West.
- Amusements: He spent his days on manicured lawns, striking small white spheres with iron clubs, surrounded by courtiers seeking his favor.
- Temperament: He rewarded absolute loyalty with high honors, but those who crossed him were subjected to public mockery, branded with insulting epithets, and cast out into political exile.
Foreign Tributes and Border Walls
Toward foreign nations, Donald acted with the unpredictability of a capricious deity.
He demanded heavy tribute from the allied kingdoms of Europe, threatening to withdraw the protection of the Republic’s legions if they did not pay.
He placed vast tariffs upon the silks and wares of the Seres (the Chinese), initiating a fierce war of merchants.
At the southern frontier, he renewed the construction of his massive wall with frantic energy, boasting that he had successfully stemmed the migration of the barbarian tribes.
The End of the Reign
As his second term drew to its close, the Republic remained deeply fractured, split into warring factions that could no longer agree on the truth of things.
Some viewed him as a savior who restored the golden age of the Republic, while others whispered in fear of an absolute monarchy.
Having fulfilled the constitutional limit of his rule, he prepared to pass the mantle to his chosen Caesar, James David of Ohio, ensuring his shadow would loom over the state for generations to come.