White House Chronicle

News Analysis With a Sense of Humor

  • Home
  • King’s Commentaries
  • Random Features
  • Photos
  • Public Speaker
  • WHC Episodes
  • About WHC
  • Carrying Stations
  • ME/CFS Alert
  • Contact Us

Satire: ‘The Chairman Will See You Now’

July 10, 2016 by White House Chronicle Leave a Comment

“Hello, dear. I’m the human resources director here at the network.”

“How do you do. I’m here for the reporter’s job. I have a demo tape I made for the chairman to see.”

“That’s nice, but we can get to that later — probably much later.”

“Won’t the chairman want to see my work?”

“He may ask one of the producers to look at it, or he may not. The chairman relies on his instincts and what he sees in his reporters.

“I see you’ve dressed for success: a short skirt and a gravity-challenged blouse neckline. These are important in television journalism; important to your reporting and the ratings.

“Good reporting and ratings are the same thing here. You know, gets you through the door. Gets you the job.

“The chairman is a great journalist and he can pick talent. That’s why he goes for former beauty queens. He has found they are uniquely qualified; besides with teleprompters and eager young producers, well, they can concentrate on their unique gifts.

“The chairman will assign you a hairdresser, a makeup artist and a fashion consultant. He may recommend you get those legs insured. Know what I mean?”

“You mean beauty before brains?”

“The chairman has enough brains for everyone on air. He believes in talking heads with legs. The ratings prove he’s right. Look at PBS: no legs, no ratings.”

“I was voted Miss Nuclear Waste in Las Vegas.”

“I wouldn’t mention the nuclear part. Just emphasize Las Vegas, dear.

“If you want some advice, watch those roots. Whatever you spend on your appearance, keep the blonde look. We don’t want the viewers to think you’re a brunette. The chairman wants graduates from Peroxide University.

“But I’m a brunette. People say I have beautiful brown hair.”

“There’s only beautiful blonde hair on this network. That’s in our style book, before the part about how we describe terrorists.”

“I have a BA in journalism.”

“I wouldn’t mention that around here. No, dear, no. The chairman likes to say, ‘Journalism schools are for losers.’

“If you want to work here, tell him something interesting like who you’re dating and what turns you on – you know, on dates. Lobster dinner, that kind of thing. Get my meaning?”

“You mean sex?”

“Don’t mention it. Let the chairman imagine your college years for himself.

“He’s nearly ready for you now.

“A few tips: Lean across his desk. Sometimes he doesn’t catch what you’re saying. Don’t sit before he does and, if you can, turn around a few times. He likes to assess how well you’ll do if you’re interviewing someone on a doorstep who doesn’t want to be interviewed on this network. That’s most people who aren’t on the same political wavelength: intellectuals, communists, and people from The New York Times.”

“I read all the newspapers every day: The National Enquirer, The New York Post and The Daily News.”

“The ability to read is important. Some of our biggest names use cue cards as well as the teleprompter. Also on talk shows, insults are important, like brain dead, pinhead, commie and, especially, loser.

“Just remember, television is a visual medium — and the chairman is very visual. But don’t worry, he’s not tactile.”

“What does that mean?”

“Don’t worry, dear, you’ll be reading the evening news in no time, if you don’t put on weight or have tattoos where they show.”

“Really?”

“Trust me, I know how the chairman thinks. He’s my husband.” — For InsideSources

Email, RSS Follow
Email

Filed Under: King's Commentaries

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

White House Chronicle on Social

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Vimeo
  • YouTube
The Folly of Biden on the Picket Line

The Folly of Biden on the Picket Line

Llewellyn King

The United Auto Workers strike against the Big Three U.S. automakers — Ford, General Motors and Stellantis, formerly Chrysler — no matter the merits of the workers’ yearnings, shouldn’t have happened. Once it got going, it shouldn’t have lasted. The White House should have spoken. Already, there is damage. Ford has “paused” plans to build […]

The Cheapening of the Impeachment Process

The Cheapening of the Impeachment Process

Llewellyn King

Edmund Burke, the 18th-century British statesman, argued during the celebrated impeachment of Warren Hastings, the governor of Bengal, that impeachment was essentially a political process, not a judicial one. Quite so. The political dimension of impeachment is again on display in Washington, where the Republicans, driven by a faction of the party, are moving toward impeaching […]

Men I Knew Who Knew Oppenheimer

Men I Knew Who Knew Oppenheimer

Llewellyn King

I have been to the movies. I haven’t done that since before the COVID shutdown. I went to see two huge movies that have each grossed $1 billion, and I enjoyed them enormously. They are, of course, “Barbie” and “Oppenheimer.” I went to see “Barbie” because I thought I should know what people were discussing. […]

Joe Biden, the Man Who Won’t Call It a Day

Joe Biden, the Man Who Won’t Call It a Day

Llewellyn King

Is Joe Biden hiding in plain sight? Is his most extensive public effort these days fending off signs of age, hiding his infirmities, and clinging to the hope that he can still win in the election just over a year from now? Sotto voce, the savants of the Democratic Party worry and complain in private […]

Copyright © 2023 · White House Chronicle Theme on Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in